www.colinsart.org.uk ©Colin B
In my post before last, Emotionally blackmailing God, I shared about how Father God had asked me to surrender to Him three things if I were to learn how to trust. God spoke to me very clearly through the painting on the left, "Tregonings Ope" by Colin Brown (www.colinsart.org.uk). On my way to being out in the openness of trusting God with my life I had to place pride, expectations and independence into the rubbish bins on my way out.
Letting go of pride and independence
Since then I have been working on letting go of these things. I have managed to let go partly I think but still have much more to learn. I'm realising just how independent I am. I want to do it all my way, have what I want when I want and how I want. I want to be in complete control. Boy, am I learning an awful lot about the kind of person I am. Pride takes over and I don't want to admit to myself what I am really like even though admitting the truth leads to freedom. Both my pride and my independence keep me thinking I can do it all alone, that I should do it all alone. It makes me angry that I have to accept help from others while I don't have enough money to live on. Although I have more to learn about letting go of pride and independence I feel I have made progress in the area. I am learning to depend on others more. I am learning not be proud.
Expectations or expectancy
I looked at this subject nearly 3 years ago in a post called expectations or expectancy and I find my thoughts coming back to the subject again now. Expectations carry with them a sense of burden. When I have expectations about myself, other people or God I am looking at that person always trying to judge whether they have met the requirements. I am looking at them with a judgemental eye.
I realise now as I type this that I have not dealt at all with my false expectations of God. This is one of the major things I am learning at the moment. I have false expectations about what my life should be like, what should happen to me and what God should do for me. I am so angry that God has not done for me what I want Him to. I put expectations onto God and then got angry when He didn't live up to them.
What I need is to have a sense of expectancy about what God will do. If I have a sense of expectancy about someone, myself and God included, I don't have a list of dos and don't that must be met. I am looking through the eyes of grace and allow the person to be all they can and all they are meant to be. I am looking to make the best of what happens.
So can I let go of my expectations of God. I am expecting Him to do things He never promised to do (i.e. give me what I want, when I want and how I want). Can I allow God to be God and to look to Him through the eyes of expectancy, trusting that whatever happens He will be true to who He is. Trusting that He is love, mercy and grace. Trusting that He will always be with me just as He promised.
This is my prayer for myself over the coming weeks - that I may learn to let go of my expectations about God and looking to Him instead with the eyes of expectancy. For this is just how He looks at me. He looks at me with the eyes of expectancy not expectations, with eyes of infinite love and grace.